I See Yuh Front Page Chairman

its very nice, interesting. I wud like to write for it but I cannot be counted on. I have some serious phobias that I cant cope easily with..like I cannot deal with limits, deadlines and commitments, expectations of me. period! not even the thought of them.

I am 100% without discipline in these regards, with any intellectual activity and demand. its a terrible thing but that is the way it happened. it has to do with how I grew up. I was always bright and into things no one else was into..always reading. they told me I would go crazy, that I was mad already because I was always into such things that everyone else avoided because it was the sane thing to do.

they drove it into me and freaked me out. I did not want to go mad. I feared that more than death. I did not know that the fear of going mad was madness already, that the madness was located in the culture of which I was a part, came out of, and that as a person with some ability I was more sensitive, susceptible to the general madness of the society.

allyuh tink it sorf. I wud not wish the way I came up on anyone..save perhaps on Obama, and on the black elites as a whole...everywhere!

fearing going mad I had to make up ways I thought would keep me sane, to deal with my head and abilities. I wud never get wholly into things..limit myself with my reading..try to figure out when I was into things I could not handle and stop...to feel when I was going insane from mental activity and stop.

I would watch myself all the time for signs of insanity. I was constantly assessing myself in effort to stay sane. the fact that there was some emotional instability in my bloodline did not help at all..made me even more scared of going mad. I was checking and balancing myself all the time.

these things evolved into real difficulties for me intellectually, emotionally. I ultimately came to see the utter nonsense it all was, how stupid and backward was the culture out of which I came..and how particularly stupid I was, backward and ignorant. that did not help much either..too hard on myself. of course the culture also taught you to hate yourself, to be too hard on yourself.

but I could never undo the damage totally..way too great. I could only develop coping mechanisms and truth. I had to go 'long taking my chances, doing the best I could for myself. but I could come to see humanity for the phuckery we are. I came to see the lies that underpinned the intellectual superstructure that informed my consciousness and toss it all..every bit of it.

now that helped...big time. that is why I am still here and upright! I eradicated every influence christianity had in/on my life. I eliminated all religion as legit factors in life, 'perspectived' them as elitist constructions meant for social control of masses of people..all the better to exploit such people, to steal their labour power. and I developed a picture of humanity that had nutten at all to do with religious perspective, but with nature. I came to realize that the constitution of existence is nature itself..that god is not necessarily intelligent but a force of spirit, power and development itself seeking its own evolution through the life forms it extrudes..through everything in existence

on my own I came to see all that...that there is no good and evil in existence, that heaven and hell are shit and crackpot creations of exploiters using the fear of god to cow people into submission...all the better to control them.

nature/god, generates all the time vast potential in its extrusions, out of which every thing comes. to exist is to be part of the potential extruded with the capacity to go on however long the drive in it permits it to survive, in its environmental nook. nature extrudes disasters but things are disastrous only from a human perspective, subjective and narrow. when a volcano explodes what are the ultimate results?

it kills humans and other life forms but what is its recycling potential? that's right! Volcanic eruptions produces all kinds of results and further on-going potential the consequences of which we do not have a clue. and therefore we do not know its purpose in the first place..the purpose of the eruption. and we can trace as far back as we can the cause of any one, or even all volcanic eruptions and end up totally unable to discover the original source of volcanos..because cause and effect is endless. we do not know where it all began and possibly can never ever find out where it began. and there is the ever present evidence that there is no beginning to anything and everything..and therefore no end either

so I cleansed my mind of all the insanity causing crap. the lies we have been told as education and accepted nature as the template, the constitution of existence...came to accept humanity for what we are as far as I know. I tossed life after death as a possibility until I bucked up on the simple reality that ones mental activity is not stored in the brain..and we do not know where it is stored in fact. people through disease and accident lost almost their entire physical brain and still functioned with full memory and capacity as always, the same mental function they always had. so where then is the content of our minds, lives located?

a possibility..and only a possibility of extended life exists there. we have to find out more.

and there is whole lot more otherwise. we are only at the rim of knowledge, the vast potential nature has extruded all along, continues to expand every nano second. but I have my problems as a result of living itself...of human fault, lies, greed, jealousy, brutality..every ill known to humanity. the fears and traumas left me with phobias that are me at this stage. I can do some despite them, and because of them what I can..and cant do ..or do easily... what may be easy and normal for others to do. I accept all that in life and don't care in the least anymore what others think of me on their own observation..which is minding my business instead of their own.

I know me and the life I live and that is enough. and I pride myself on not minding any ones business but my own. I don't give a phuck about what any one else does with and in their lives..only with my own life. I cant think of a more pointless use of time than to know and think of what anyone else does... and particularly what they do of a nasty nature. I know that already..that they have done, do and will continue to do nasty things. that is our culture. it requires us to do nasty things and to be totally subjective about it. i.e what we do..the nasty things.. is fine. but not the nasty things you and others do. that is reprehensible.

but if I see my way clear on an interesting aspect of cricket, of any subject...and in-between the phobias I can do the research, solidify my thoughts and produce something worthwhile I will give it to you. I do experience moments of clarity, at times extended, within which I can accomplish worthwhile projects. so look out! I will see what i can do

Why dont you get outta them 4 walls and travel the East Coast of Canada ?
WiFi will still allow you to write
BUT the travel and fresh air will Energise your mind and refresh it !

Come down to my Flea Market and have a Creole soup

I am coping man. I have worked out my ways. they work well enuff and here I am. I don't need to travel. I have problems with that too..a severe problem with heights and motion sickness.

I have to be careful with alternative movement. if for e.g I am pulling into a parking spot and someone is leaving from the next one at the same time look out. it does not happen every time I encounter such movement, or even most times..but it can happen and the repercussions are severe. I simply stop the car bend my head as far forward as I can, rest it on the wheel and forget about life. for the next 5 minutes or so I am useless. and afterwards there is a sick feeling that takes hours to go away.

the major source of this motion dysfunction is subways. the Toronto subways are good for there isn't much opportunity there for trains to pass each other openly, in opposite directions, because of the separate tunnels in which the trains move. New York however was a major hurdle until I stopped using the subways when I used to go there regularly

as I got older it became increasingly worse..fear of heights. for me to go on a plane, up on the high floors of a building, I have to start making myself fit a month before..exercising, building up my nerves with protein powders. when my nerves are strong enough I cant make it..go on the plane and fall asleep..although very little I do makes me fall asleep.

not more that third floor on any building for me.

lots of trouble with me eh! yes I have all manner of troubles, phobias, trauma's I must admit. I did not make them however..and I don't want them...they are a major and serious nuisance..at times seriously dangerous. but I have to deal with them

but I am good as things are right now..surviving, on top of it, with the way i have worked out my life. I doh need to change too much at this time, to upset the routine. the soup sounds like a good idea though. its low lying..ground level. I can reach it.

where is the flea market...you have a stall deh????

Look even the JUKEBOX has not seen yuh Music since October 26th
Chillax man, spin some tunes and think about some travel...

point. music. soon

I am replaying MeatLoaf because I am going to the Bat Outta Hell

presentation at Mirvish theatre and I wanna refresh my lyrics

deh call that theatre Mirvish now?

Yeah, ole jew Ed !