Relationship Question #101

3. Blame. “Whendivorced couples found fault with their relationship using ‘we’ statements,they were significantly more likely to find love than those who used ‘I’ or‘you’ statements.” Those who found blame in factors such as being incompatible ortoo young experienced less anxiety, insomnia, and depression than those whoblamed their former partner or themselves for a break-up. Examine what wentwrong in the relationship instead of assigning individual blame, suggestsOrbuch, and think about how you can resolve conflict better next time.

4. Communication.Orbuch says a trap many couples fall into is “maintenance” rather than truecommunication. She suggests having a “10 minute rule” every day when you, “Talk to yourpartner about something other than work, the relationship, the house, or the children.”The key is revealing something about yourself and learning something about yourspouse. “Forty-one percent of divorced people say they would change theircommunication style,” says Orbuch,“and, 91% of happily married couples say theyknow their partner intimately.”

5. Move on. Letting go ofthe past is a key to being in a happy relationship. This is true for people whoare currently married as well as those seeking love. If you are irked by thoughtsof your partner’s old boyfriend or girlfriend or of a fight that happened weeksago, you might not be interacting in a healthy, positive way. “That animosityprevents you from being fully present,” says Orbuch. She also points out that peoplewho felt neutral toward their ex were significantly more likely tofind love after a divorce. If you can’t let go of your anger, her book outlinesa number of exercises including writing a detailed letter to the person you areangry at—and burning it.