>The Twelve Days Of Christmas
> >
> >***December 15***
> >
> >Dearest John:
> >
> >I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
> >tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
> >surprised.
> >
> >With deepest love and devotion,
> >
> >Agnes
***December 16***
> >
> >Dearest John:
> >
> >Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle
> >doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
> >adorable.
> >
> >All my love,
> >
> >Agnes
> >***December 17***
> >
> >Dear John:
> >
> >Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't
> >deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling, but I
> >must insist, you've been too kind.
> >
> >Love,
> >
> >Agnes
> >***December 18***
> >
> >
> >Dear John:
> >
> >Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
> >beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being to romantic.
> >
> >Affectionately,
> >
> >Agnes
> >***December 19***
> >
> >Dear John:
> >
> >What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings; one for
> >every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
> >birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
> >
> >All my love,
> >
> >Agnes
> >
> >***December 20***
> >
> >Dear John:
> >
> >When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a laying on my
> >steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge, where
> >will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
> >through the racket. Please stop!!
> >
> >Cordially,
> >
> >
> >Agnes
> >***December 21***
> >
> >Dear John:
> >
> >What's with you and those friggin' birds??? Seven swans a swimming. What
> >kind of damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they
> >never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous
> >wreck, it's not funny. So stop with the friggin' birds!!
> >
> >Sincerely,
> >
> >Agnes
> >***December 22***
> >
> >O.K. BUSTER:
> >
> >I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight
> >maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a
> >milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is cow shit all over
> >the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
> >
> >Agnes
> >***December 23***
> >
> >Hey Shithead:
> >
> >What are you? Some kind of sadist. Now there's nine pipers
> >playing. And
> >damn, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
> >got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
> >stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do!!? The
> >neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
> >
> >You'll get yours,
> >
> >Agnes
> >***December 24***
> >
> >You rotten prick:
> >
> >Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
> >They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep
> >and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The
> >Commissioner of Building has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building
> >shouldn't be condemned.
> >
> >I'm siccing the police on you,
> >
> >Agnes
> >***December 25***
> >
> >Listen Shithead:
> >
> >What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and
> >ladies? Some of
> >those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
> >have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead.
> >They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, the
> >rotten vicious swine.
> >
> >Yours sworn enemy,
> >
> >Agnes
>***December 26***
> >
> >LAW OFFICES
> >BADGER, BENDER & CAJOLE
> >303 Knave Street
> >Chicago, Illinois
> >
> >December 26
> >
> >This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you
> >have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
> >destruction of course was total. All future correspondence should come to
> >our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy
> >Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
> >With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your
> >arrest.
> >
> >Cordially,
> >
> >Badger, Bender & Cajole
