Man abused by wife of 24 years tells his story
By JULIEN NEAVES Sunday, May 15 2016
WHEN Danny’s fiancée slapped him for apparently looking at another woman he felt good about it. Little did he know that this was the start of marriage tainted by abuse including one instance when she attacked him with a knife.
The case of Danny (not his real name) is one of the stories you hear little about - male domestic violence victims. Last month Minister of State in the Office of the Prime Minister Ayanna Webster-Roy revealed 26 percent of all domestic violence reports to police between 2010 and 2014 were men.
Webster-Roy said negative stereotyping of men as aggressors and women as victims has worked to obscure men’s suffering from society’s view and men who consider reporting violent assaults against them expect to face disbelief, ridicule and counter allegations.
Danny said in this society “we have accepted physical attacks on males so much it is jokey (sic)â€.
At 18 he began to date his future wife Donna (not her real name) after meeting at church. He felt like he a won a prize - a young teenage boy with low self esteem having such an attractive girl.
The two were engaged two years later and it was during that engagement period the first instance of abuse occurred. Danny was driving with Donna to a party and three of her relatives were in the backseat.
There was “a good looking young lady†walking under the street light behind the vehicle. Danny looked in his rearview mirror to avoid hitting her and “as I turn around I collected a real hard slapâ€.
Donna admonished him “what you watching other woman for?†and he recalled she was really angry.
Danny, however, felt pleased.
“I feel this woman like me so much that at the mere look at a next woman, she could get so angry and jealous felt good inside. At that stage it meant she valued me,†he said.
Donna’s relatives in the backseat began laughing and Danny recalled their attitude was that he had “looked for thatâ€.
“Nobody was surprised or offended.
They laughed it off,†he said.Danny and Donna got married and remained so for 24 years.
Danny recalled over the years she would throw tantrums, break dishes and lock herself in her room but he always tried to please her.
If Danny deviated from what she wanted, Donna would sulk and get self-absorbed.
“What I did was I made her my God. And they thrive on that type of worship,†he explained.
Sex between them started to get “few and far between†and she withheld sex for ad hoc reasons. He would clean the house and wash clothes, including her underwear, in the days before washing machines because he wanted “to get actionâ€.
Later in counseling he learned she wanted to punish him because she felt he was not good enough.
The two went to counseling on five occasions on his initiative but they “always fell out of itâ€.
The violence began when the children came. After their first child Donna started to lime a lot and Danny would have to babysit.
She would come back at two or three in the morning. Danny was “so enamoured†he did not care if she had someone else.
Eventually he confronted Donna and told her he was leaving.
In response she threw him against a wall and stuck her nails into his chest until it bled.
“She said ‘I would take your children from you’.†Danny had bonded with his children and his wife knew they could be used as a weapon. A month after he left, Donna called him and said the children were crying about his absence. The two sought to mend the relationship but Danny slept in a different room. It was while sleeping another incident occurred.
“Once she broke down the door and came at me with a knife,†he said.Danny, fortunately, was not stabbed as the knife hit the head board. Dressed only in his short pants he escaped and drove to his mother’s house.
He recalled that there were five incidents of physical violence and he made two police reports and even provided photographs. Danny said the police took him seriously and asked if they could warn her.
“But I was scared. If she know I am doing it, it would get worse and I did not want to lose my children,†he said.
He began getting support from the Single Fathers Association of Trinidad and Tobago and President Rhondal Feeles without her knowledge. When she found out she would shout and throw things.
It was over a year before he decided to actually leave and two when they subsequently divorced.
“Only because of Feeles and the group I got strength to make the move,†he said.
Danny began seeing a therapist and was told that his wife has a narcissistic personality disorder.
He said that men would stay in abusive relationships unless the violence requires medical attention or they could lose their children.
He encouraged men who are being abused that it is nothing to be ashamed about.
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