I am a Nigger, Nig Nog, Swatza, Coon..the worse, and I am supposed to be the worst, an animal, savage. and I want to cry, lord know I want to cry, total, tears free flowing, absolutely cry with no limits, no worry about my tears. fuck the world! let the world kiss my Black arse but I want to cry and I cant cry. the freeing tears I want to wash in wont come to exhaust me, melt me, reintegrate me
but I love the world and all in it. I have no reason to because the world has nothing for me but gave me life, a life I did not ask for. my life was not my choice, life was not my choice. nature that arbitrary woman just gave it. she is a bitch with the face of an angel and the soul of a shape shifter. she made heaven just out of reach and hell in between. and there are no guarantees
feelings, emotions: love, hate, pain..disappointment, betrayal, harms that happen to you and harms you cause, that you give. I hurt and I hurt in return and my guilty conscience cannot stand the hurt I caused. I made myself live when I wanted to die...die die and be done. I god I want o cry...please let me cry, cry free, to release myself, to erase, to go back and start again with the knowledge of a life time, a new chance to revolutionize he world or die trying
life becomes too precious, the life I did not ask for. one holds life and compromises oneself. compromise is a sin..diplomacy a great tool in the positive...but no compromise when it matters..none! nada!
fuck the world and things. fuck things..all of it. you can eat only so much, wear likewise. it is to live and come to know life, the universe and make of it what we can. one must die with nothing having lived..the test of life, to leave as you came in with nothing to pack and fold and store and put away, make safe and hoard and carry. the secret is to leave free and unencumbered.
I give up..finally I want nothing at all, not even to live again, no goal, no desires. all I want to do is to cry one last time, an expiation, tears for all I have known and lived. cry for sins, for love in all its forms, for the world, humans, hate of humans, love of humans, for life, death....cry because of ignorance all around?
cry because finally I too don't know a dam thing! nothing!
I don't know but I hurt and I cant cry and be free. at least the heavens can relent and let me cry. I would give all I have if I can cry for the loves of my life, my children, for my own wrongs and pain I caused, for the pain I suffered I learned not to cry. I used to cry but I am a man and natural I learned not to cry, I wasn't supposed to as a man. I leaned too well, matured, lost my ability to generate water.. salty, tasty water that dried on my face and tightened up
I love Alicia keys, and Chaka, and Phyllis..the women, the Bitches and Goddesses,SHE..she who is life! sweet but horrific too. She takes me outside of the life, helps me to touch the universe with her sounds, she travels and takes me with her. I cant get enough of her, all of her. I love her, She. I love her young I love her old, in the miggle. she hurt me badly. I hurt her too but SHE wins in the end..no contest. She is god! she is everything, all there is..the source and fount. in her I found myself, find myself. without her there is no identity, no me, no nothing.
I stopped struggling and worship now, at her feet, at her source and fount of life. SHE is god and I did not know. Blind and ignorant I did not know that as man I had to love unconditionally, cherish, protect, hone....
I know now and I need to cry!
Alicia makes me cry as she touches heaven, gives me an intimation of forever with her sound. that is what SHE does! SHE takes you and helps you to touch the sky, gives you a sens of what forever is like. not enough you must come back: grounded to wait again for another touch, more..until forever comes to claim you..and you are there with her...forever?
she has been on my mind. SHE! she does not know who she is..she just be, is, existent, here doing her powerful thing..God
