Graeme Swann’s ruthless Kevin Pietersen impersonation

Graeme Swann’s ruthless Kevin Pietersen impersonation
4 HOURS AGO JULY 28, 2015 5:26PM


Swann's parody of Pietersen

GRAEME Swann has been one of the more vocal critics of former teammate Kevin Pietersen since the axed batsmen revealed fractures in the English dressing room in his book last year. But this is next level.
Swann used a weekly Triple M radio show he has been appearing on with Australian cricket champions Matthew Hayden and Mark Waugh during the Ashes series to take the mickey out of “KP” — who has been campaigning for a recall to the England side on
While it was all in good fun, Swann’s responses offer an insight into how he is viewed by one of his old teammates.

Pietersen (Swann): “Hi guys, is anybody there? How’s it chaps? I’m so, so happy to be here with you right now. I look great at the moment. I’ve got new tattoos and they’re shining beautifully in the sunshine. I feel awesome.”

Hayden: “I’ve got this beauty (from Twitter), then I’ve got a question on the back of it as well: ‘Batting as well as ever and the team have issues with the top order! What a waste, just lying on a beach! I wish I could help!’ And then the muscle sign, the bicep curl emoji. Mate, why aren’t you playing for Surrey if you think you’re top shelf and going for it — what’s the problem?”

Pietersen (Swann): “Well, the thing is Kevin has to go all over the world to create massive awareness of how good he is. I played for Surrey, I was told to average highly and I averaged 150 in my time at the bottom half of division two. Sure, one of my innings was 350 not out and apart from that my highest score was 12. It shows KP is a big player, a big-time player. The bicep curl is because I’m beautiful ... Not a lot of people know this, but (Matthew Hayden) called me FIG JAM. It was the nicest nickname because what it means is Flip I’m Good, Just Ask Matty. It showed everyone how high the regard for me was with Matt Hayden. What an awesome guy.”

Hayden: “So Kev, this next tweet: ‘So, so, so, so silly!’ What’s that all about?”

Pietersen (Swann): “Well, I like to repeat myself because I sound so good when I say some words. Like so, so, so, so silly. I might say that again, so, so, oh that sounds great. I can’t remember the question but let me tell you that I scored 25 last night off three balls. It may sound impossible — which it is for most guys — but not for me.”
Waugh: “Seriously, did you watch the Test match? Obviously you did. What did you make of the English batting? What do they need to do to improve, apart from getting you back in the team, is there something they can work on that top order?”
Pietersen (Swann): “I didn’t actually watch the Test match — one of my people told me the scores. What I was actually doing was having a net and I was hitting it really nicely, and striking it nicely, so, so nicely, and I think it’s a matter of time before I’m back in the side. Because I’m so, so, so ready to play.”

Hayden: “Have you got any form at all on the board though?”

Pietersen (Swann): “Of course. Haydos I scored 200 against a team who hadn’t won for three weeks, three years ... it doesn’t matter because no matter who KP bats against he will score runs.”

Waugh: “Where was that KP?”

Pietersen (Swann): “It was a practice game in St Lucia, but it doesn’t matter. Those guys bowling were awesome. They had to have a day off school to play, but they bowled well. Listen, I am ready at any stage to come back and play for my country — or England if they ask as well.”

Hayden: “Just quickly, what do you think of Graeme Swann as a bloke?”

Pietersen (Swann): “I have never met anyone called Graeme Swann, at all. I deny that happened.”

Waugh: “He wasn’t one of your favourite teammates? Who was? Who did you enjoy playing with in England?”

Pietersen (Swann): “Kevin Pietersen enjoyed playing with Kevin Pietersen. He was an awesome team guy and a great golfer.”

Pietersen was dumped from the English team after averaging 29 in a 5-0 Ashes defeat in Australia in 2013-14. He has his supporters in the English media — voices that are only getting louder after the Poms’ thrashing in the second Test at Lord’s.

Graeme Swann looks like he is obsessed with Kevin Pietersen. Swann is a nobody when compared to Pietersen in the world of cricket. Swann sounds like a hurt ex-girlfriend who was heartbroken by Kevin.

Wrong. Very wrong. Graeme Swann is the second leading wicket taker by an English spinner in Test history, trailing only the great Derek Underwood. His 255 Test wickets ranks him seventh among all English bowlers. His 410 wickets across all formats of the game in an England shirt ranks him 5th.

Over the last 100 years, Swann has the lowest strike rate of any English spinner to have taken at least 70 Test wickets. He is the only English spinner to take 50 wickets in a calendar year. He was a huge part of the England team that claimed the number 1 ranking in Test cricket and was also the number 1 ranked bowler in ODI's that year. He is the all time leading wicket taker by an English spinner in ODI history and helped England to the World T20 championship in 2010.